Further_Frames's Xanga

Monday, May 22, 2006

Mon, 22 May 2006 23:55:13 GMT

Ok, so I did this just for fun. I'm trying to update more.

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1.) Put your music player on shuffle.

2.) Press forward for each question.

3.) Use the song title as the answer to the question.

4.) NO CHEATING
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1. How am I feeling today? "Running" by No Doubt .... interesting...

2. Where will I get married?   "Let Me Know" by Yeah Yeah Yeahs -- haha, how fitting

3. What is my best friend's theme song? "Sugar, We're Goin' Down" by Fall Out Boy -- I'd say yes

4. What is/was high school like?   "Her Addiction" by Goodman County -- Sidenote: if anything, I was addicted to coffee

5. What is the best thing about me? "All These Things That I've Done" by The Killers -- eerie how this is making sense

6. How is today going to be?   "Show Me a Sign" by Kontakt -- so today is still a mystery... nothing new

7. What is in store for next weekend?   "Take Our Cars Now!" by Saves the Day -- no one touches my car!

8. What song describes my parents? "Stricken" by Disturbed -- haha, how true!

9. How is my life going? "Feel Good Inc." by Gorillaz

10. How does the world see me?   "Bug Eyes" by Dredg -- yuck! NO

11. What do my friends really think of me? "Born on the Bayou" by Creedence Clearwater Revival -- no idea

12. How can I make myself happy?   "Iris" by Goo Goo Dolls -- isn't this song kind of sad? I don't remember

13. What should I do with my life?   "Ohio (Come Back to Texas)" by Bowling for Soup -- Texas or BUST!

14. Will I ever have children?   "No Thang on Me" by Snoop Dogg ft. Bootsy Collins -- hmm... not sure how to take this... lol

15. What is some good advice?   "When I Grow Up" by Garbage

16. What do I think my current theme song is? "She Will Be Loved" by Maroon 5 --- maybe! ;)

17. What does everyone else think my current theme song is?   "Pain" by Jimmy Eat World -- ouch

18. What type of men do I like?   "Listen to Your Heart" by D.H.T. --- that's uncanny

19. Will I get married?   "Everything is Alright" by Motion City Soundtrack -- we hope

20. What should I do with my love life? "Hips Don't Lie (featuring Wyclef Jean)" by Shakira --oooh, nice!

21. What's sex like? "Death of Seasons" by A.F.I. -- that's just plain disturbing

22. Where will I live? "Breakfast at Tiffany's" by Deep Blue Something

23. What will my dying words be?   "What Hurts the Most" by Rascal Flatts -- ironic

So yeah, some of those didn't really make much sense, but I thought it'd be fun anyways.
In other news, I started my summer job today. 8 to 5, Monday thru Friday!

Take care, everyone!

~Emily

Saturday, May 13, 2006

Sat, 13 May 2006 23:19:23 GMT

Good News: Exams = over

I'm officially home for summer. I moved out four hours late yesterday from Riverside, but better late than never, right? Next fall, I'll be back in North---first floor this time.

Alright, so in the past 12 months sooo much has happened. I can't remember where I was actually at this point last year. I hadn't even graduated from high school. Who remembers high school these days? The only things I occasionally think about from that time are the nights I spent out with the Clique. Breaking the law, the ToD games, David's grandma's trailer, Mr. Bentley's, speeding on the back roads, the fishbowl... It's hard for me to accept sometimes that it's all dead. We all fell apart.

Last summer, too. I started out with the crazy night at Bethany's... 5 ppl, 2 legal. You know how it goes. Looking back, what was I thinking?
We went on a cruise too. Cozumel seems so far away. I couldn't really be free either. The people who went were not me. They were those type people you talk to a lot, but they would never understand you, nor want to understand you. They have their own lives in which they star, and everyone else just conforms. I can't be like that.
I went to orientation at Alabama after the cruise. I remember being so scared. I'm not really sure why I was afraid... the most I can gather is that I realized I was changing, growing in a new and different direction than my old life. I didn't really take orientation too seriously. I was more concerned with what came next.
Europe. The single best trip of my life. Sometimes, when I get upset, I think about flying over the Atlantic ocean. I stared out the window on that trip for the longest time, my mind completely blank. I loved the thought of everything below me passing by without me touching it. Does that make sense? Europe was exactly what I needed right before leaving home. I didn't really know anyone... and I smile every now and then when I think about the things we did and the places we went. It was freedom to me. About two weeks ago, I found out that one of the people I went to Europe with passed away.

For the past month, I've been trying to understand if, why, and what my problem is, if I have one at all. I find myself attaching myself to people emotionally--- and it's always the people I don't need to. The people who care the least are the ones I care the most about. Is that some jacked-up form of stockholm syndrome? Maybe I trust too much that people can miraculous make up for years of mistreatment or abuse of some kind. What's wrong with that? I think it might also have to do with the fact that I want to understand better why these people who couldn't care about me at all don't find me worthy of their concern. How can they turn away? I think everyone wonders why people don't care about him or her. This is natural. So I tell myself.

Two nights ago, a Chinese man and his girlfriend both told me I had a "gift." They didn't speak English that well, so it was hard for me to figure out what they meant. I think they were talking about me asking them questions, which sounds weird... I'm not really sure what they meant. It made me feel good though to be told I had a "gift" from a foreigner though. I'm such a dork.

"Sittin' at a bar on the inside... waitin' for my ride on the outside."
I like listening to people talk about what they want to do with their lives. I love watching people smile when they tell me what they plan to do to make their first million. If everyone I've ever had that conversation with follows through and is successful, I should know a fair share of millionaires by the time I'm thirty. We'll see. People who have goals they want to accomplish and high aspirations make me feel like maybe things can work out for me too. I like people around me to sound confident about the future when I'm not. It's beautiful.

I hope something wonderful happens soon.

~Emily

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Sun, 07 May 2006 15:31:18 GMT

One more week of school left for this year. Freshman year has been a trip.

I'm about to start working on my western civilization essay, my French paper, and my English readings for my exams. I hate procrastination. I really do.

Last night was the last party night for me for a while. Clubbing back home, anyone? I think I'm ready to go home, take a break, and see all of the "old" people. Change is good; consistency is good as well. We'll see how the readjustment goes. I'm not sure just how much I've become different this year. You know, where I've grown or digressed...

I'll update better after these exams. Until then, I hope everyone stays safe.

~Emily

Broken II

Sat, 01 Apr 2006 00:37:43 GMT

Yeah, so I've had an interesting week. Last night definitely hit a high spot on my list of bad experiences. It's really hard for me to realize that some people are really and truly (pardon the french, but...) assholes. I've found that the older I get, the more I have to be straightforward, almost to the point of rudeness myself in order to make people show more respect. I can't really fathom why people find it amusing to use people, to cheapen others, and to act completely jerk-faced when things don't go their way. What's wrong with the picture? I'd hate to realize one day that I had played with, manipulated negatively, or blatantly used someone. Is there no more decency?

I keep expecting people to change. I want someone to be there to make me feel guilty about myself. I want someone to look up to and hope to be someday.

I went shopping today with two of my sorority sisters. They have been far luckier recently than I have. I made a complete fool of myself last night in front of their dates... for no reason. I was upset, and I think it was apparent why. I think they understood, actually, but my problems are still no excuse to get like that.

I hope you all are having an awesome day... let's look forward!

~Emily

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Sat, 25 Feb 2006 17:25:05 GMT

I can't seem to remain stable in anything I do. This could prove to be a huge problem.

Side Note: I heart Frank Sinatra. I think he reminds me of black and white lives... and champagne. Everything I'd always want in my head. You know, I like to listen to Sinatra when I'm cooking.

I'm beginning to think that every person at some time or another feels worthless. Are we all just striving to be necessities? Everyone approaches the solution to his worthless-ness in a different way too. Some people try to make themselves physically attractive---by dieting, working out, buying and applying insanely large amounts of make-up and topical creams, succumbing to plastic surgery, imbibing nasty protein shakes, taking stereoids, performing ritualistic "makeovers", and in some extreme cases, becoming the victim of an eating disorder. Other people cultivate a sense of intellect within themselves... constantly reading, learning, debating, thinking, putting the world in technological, scientific, or philosophical terms, and religiously involving themselves in political activism. Still others attempt to find their hidden talents. These people sing, play instruments or sports, act, dance, climb social ladders, create art, and volunteer.
I can't imagine a world without any of them.
I can see why people want to point to others and say,
    "They aren't as beautiful as I am."
    "They aren't as intelligent as I am."
    "They aren't as gifted as I am."
To be honest, I fall with every single one of them, so I know their troubles and strengths. It's hard to make your life the product of jealousy, but that's what I've done in so many ways. I look at others and think of how horrible I am compared to them, how far I have to go before I can finally say "I AM more beautiful, intelligent, and gifted." The problem therein lies with the fact that I can never say that. It's a broken system, and we're all breaking.

~Emily

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Thu, 09 Feb 2006 06:18:17 GMT

So yeah, I hopped on the bandwagon and took all the "blogthings" quizzes. Here are some of the more interesting results:

Who Were You In a Past Life?

In a Past Life...

You Were: An Evil Assassin.

Where You Lived: Germany.

How You Died: Suicide.

What Kind of Coffee Are You?

You Are an Espresso

At your best, you are: straight shooting, ambitious, and energetic

At your worst, you are: anxious and high strung

You drink coffee when: anytime you're not sleeping

Your caffeine addiction level: high

What Flavor Martini Are You?

You Are an Orange Martini

Everyone's favorite drunk, you're fun, flirty, and charming.
Unfortunately, you often spark jealousy - and unintentionally start bar fights.

You should never: Drink and dial. You'll just end up with multiple booty calls at your door!

Your ideal party: Is huge and lively. You love to work a crowd.

Your drinking soulmates: those with a Blueberry Martini personality

Your drinking rivals: those with a Dirty Martini personality

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it.

In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.

What Song Should You Strip To?

Your Stripper Song Is

Closer by Nine Inch Nails

"You let me violate you, you let me desecrate you
You let me penetrate you, you let me complicate you
Help me I broke apart my insides, help me I've got no
Soul to tell"

When you dance, it's a little scary - and a lot sexy.

Yeah, so I'm not sure how accurate these things were; I guess you guys can attest to that. Anywho, seeing as how I have nothing of too much interest to note, I'll just end this pointless post here. Much luv to everyone!

~Emily

Friday, January 27, 2006

Fri, 27 Jan 2006 05:15:48 GMT

Hey guys!

I know it's been (once again) a while since I last updated. Not too much has happened since then, and since I can't remember what all has happened, I'll give you a brief overview of a few things.

Last Friday night was the first gymnastics meet in the colliseum. I went with Megan (we're both in Ten Troupe), and I had a blast. The floor routines were awesome---and we beat Florida, which was a definite plus. I'm looking forward to the next meet on Feb. 10th (we're playing our main rivals: Georgia). After the meet, a bunch of my friends and I headed back to Riverside for one of our good ole shin-digs. This shin-dig was characterized by mucho drama though. Not to get into too many specifics, I apparently did not make the wisest of decisions when talking to some people, and others got the wrong idea about what was going on, and let's just say some people thought I did stuff that I really hadn't. Can we say, pink umbrella?? I realize that it was dumb of me to have that conversation under the pink umbrella and that people assumed we were doing other things, but we weren't. I'm now afraid that Russell is upset with me because of this too. I sent him a facebook message though, and we're planning to get together and discuss everything. Hopefully I can clear my name of everything everyone's accusing me of. (dangling preposition!!! ouch...)

Saturday, I slept late. I got up around 11:30, and decided to go to the Ralph Lauren Polo store near Bessemer with two of my sorority sisters, Jessica and Elizabeth. We had so much fun eating lunch at McAlister's and goofing off in the mall. We tried to take pictures in PacSun, but this goth-looking salesclerk came over and told us, "Hey, I really wouldn't care at all, but our corporate headquarters don't allow photography in the stores. I know it's kind of weird, and I really don't have a problem with it, but I'll get in trouble if you don't stop." Poor guy didn't want to piss us off apparently. We started talking to him for a little bit, and he explained to us an interesting phenomenon in pacsun stores, possibly others: in order to "put something on sale" in the stores, sometimes they'll just have a markdown of a penny. Interestingly enough, some genius out there figured that by simply putting the words "on sale" next to an item makes it sell faster. How clever... how wrong.

After the mall, we all came back to t-town...BUT not for long. A bunch of my friends decided that they wanted to go to Banana Joe's (a club in B'ham) that night, so Jessica went with us. We were all looking hot (haha, as usual!), but we still had to pay a $15 cover charge to get in. Sucks, but now I've got an official membership card to Banana Joe's...if I ever need it... ;) We danced for a while and got really sweaty, but before we left, one of Ashley S.'s friends got in the cage and danced. It was so crazy! The guys were actually giving the cage dancers money---throwing it at them and stuff. Some huge black guy came up behind me and whispered in my ear, "I'll buy you anything you want... anything" too! These guys were waaaay forward. Jessica was practically felt up like I was back in Atlanta. I helped her escape though, so it was all good. Don't you love my slang? I'm such a dork.

Following Banana Joe's, Raejo, Dan, Jessica, and I went back to t-town and headed to Blount. Jessica picked up her case of beer, and we were going to hit up Mel and Amanda (also in my sorority)'s party, but they had already left the host guys' apartment, so we just headed to my Big Sis's apartment near Publix. My Big Sis was out of town, but her roommate Allie was there, and so were some random guys. Troy showed up and started teasing me again--- I, in turn, reminded him about how he's a golden retriever, and that pretty much shut him up... or rather, he threw a coozie at me. Good times. Anywho, Allie made us all grilled cheese sandwiches (we were starving after everything that had happened), and I had to fight this one guy, Chace (that's how he spells it) for a sandwich. He ended up getting the first sandwich, and I had to wait for the second. He was mean. :( The started watching a movie after that, but I decided to head back to the dorm (it was around 4:30 am at this point). When I did finally make it back to Riverside though, the elevator lights were out. I had no idea, so I went up to the elevator, and when the doors opened, I saw complete darkness. There was a gasp and then, through the darkness, I heard a whole bunch of drunk-sounding people yell, "EMILY! HEY! PAR-TAY!" I soon found out that a bunch of my peeps on the third floor were having a party in the pitch black elevator. They had some cases of beer and had stuck couches in the elevator, so they were just riding it up and down. We did this until about 5:15 am, when some people finally decided that they had had enough. I stayed in the third floor lobby for a while, however, with Killen---together we dialed several of his New Jersey friends. They later called him back with several "wtf?" messages. Lol, we had fun.

Needless to say, I slept very late that day. I don't think I'm going to have time right now to update any further, but hopefully I'll have time soon. I'm planning on being a little nerd this weekend and finishing a lot of my work for the upcoming week on Saturday. There's a Theta Freshman Workshop on Sunday, so I'm not going to have a lot of time later to do it. We'll see how everything goes. Roll Tide!

~Emily

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Sat, 07 Jan 2006 06:37:23 GMT

Oh man, the crazy things I've done lately. Who would have predicted this a year ago?

Remind me never to underestimate how much people can change. I've had a few issues with some friends recently... not just your average trivial things either. It's not easy for some people to be forced into growing up. I hate having to help them along too when it's not my responsibility. I guess that's my fault too--- I'm just as immature a lot of the times. I shouldn't be upset, but sometimes I'm angry for how much I have to fight for someone who can't fight for themselves.

In other news, the break has done me LOADS of good. I think I'm ready to take on second semester. I CAN and WILL do better than I have been doing. It's going to work.

Thanks for all of the support before the break guys; Where would I be without it?

~Emily

Friday, December 23, 2005

Fri, 23 Dec 2005 05:31:26 GMT

Tonight I went to see Narnia with Greg (Samantha's boyfriend) and David. I actually liked this movie. Mixed reviews, but I "ok" it.

After the movie, all three of us went to a local McDonald's to get something to eat. I hadn't had anything to eat all day, and I wasn't really that hungry, but I decided it was best that I go ahead and feed myself anyway. I ordered a kids' meal in hopes of getting a Narnia toy (lol... like Aslan), but I ended up getting the dinky Edmund toy. Go figure. He was my least favorite character in the whole movie...I see my resemblance to him far too clearly.

    So we were talking a while, and David made me feel something I haven't felt in a while. It's one of those sensations where I can touch the future, know that there's something there. Most of the time, I stare into space because there's nothing here to signify to me that what I do now will waste any time in me getting anywhere. Kind of complicated, I know... It's just that, I often feel like despite my relationships with other people, they don't really understand how I see the world. I'm not necessarily "dark" or anything, I just don't see the point in living most of the time. I mentioned this to David tonight. Something along the lines of, "I would hate that my purpose in life be justified through someone else." I'm actually wanting to retract that statement now.

    David, to me, hasn't always made the best choices in life, but at least he has a heart to know what is dear to him. What affects how he lives. "A lot of people can actually have 4.0s, get good jobs, or be successful to other people, but what really matters, I've found, is how you spend your time, and more importantly, who you spend it with." He said that.

    He went on to tell me, basically in one sentence, his whole mindset on life. How unfathomable for me. I don't know if I could be brave enough to admit that what I want most out of life is love...not just to be loved, but to give love. It really is harder than it seems. Putting myself out on a line, waiting for my life to have meaning through someone else. It's essentially what I fear. I hate losing control... but that's exactly what I will do someday. I'm nothing special, but my actions keep telling me that I think I am if I am not willing to put myself in a position to lose control of what I know. I don't really even know myself, and I've told many people this before: "How can you disclose a secret you don't know yourself?" It's quite easy, I have discovered.

~Emily

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Thu, 08 Dec 2005 19:52:21 GMT

I like slow songs...ones that sound surreal, like dreams.

Every time I see a grey sky and the leaves falling around me, I remember those days when I could play with you guys. We were writing our stories. The lies we made up to pretend that we were enjoying life. You remember, don't you? She really was "the good." You and I never could grasp her vitality. That's why both of us weren't the priviledged--- you, the broken nomad; me, the static decay. This sounds way too harsh for everyone who doesn't know what happened. We loved it. I still see you far away, happy.

Dumb realization: I cause the majority of the problems around me. Not just my problems, mind you, but also the problems of the people who surround me. Isn't this cruel?

Silly confession: I like a lot of rap music.

Happiness factor: It's raining outside, and it's cold. :)

Current motivation: Love lends me to succeed more than competition.

Fun distraction: Raejo's birthday party will be a welcome exercise in relaxation.

So now, here I am again. I'm considering why programming is so difficult for me. I really dislike computers at this point. I want to do something I enjoy for once. I have the biggest problem choosing the worst thing for me. I had this as an essay topic earlier in the year, but when I read it, I thought, "That doesn't really apply." Irony likes to slap me in the face. I feel like I owe so many people so many things, but I just can't pay the price. I can't give them enough to make up for all those hurtful things I've done, whether purposefully or inadvertantly. If I have done you wrong, forgive me. I seriously lack the emotional capacity to let it just go, so you can rest assured that I haven't. I forget many things, but not the way people make me feel. I try to forget most of the time, but my own conscience has its ways of repeatedly tapping me with images.

You know, I don't want to be one of the surprisingly numerous "emo" bloggers. That would be a downfall in my eyes. I hate seeing the complicated lives of other people, and I think I'm becoming more and more of that day by day. I look at things like that and can't help but laugh at the simplicity of it all. That's what I really would like to achieve, however. Simplicity.

~Emily