| | Good News: Exams = over
I'm officially home for summer. I moved out four hours late yesterday from Riverside, but better late than never, right? Next fall, I'll be back in North---first floor this time.
Alright, so in the past 12 months sooo much has happened. I can't remember where I was actually at this point last year. I hadn't even graduated from high school. Who remembers high school these days? The only things I occasionally think about from that time are the nights I spent out with the Clique. Breaking the law, the ToD games, David's grandma's trailer, Mr. Bentley's, speeding on the back roads, the fishbowl... It's hard for me to accept sometimes that it's all dead. We all fell apart.
Last summer, too. I started out with the crazy night at Bethany's... 5 ppl, 2 legal. You know how it goes. Looking back, what was I thinking?
We went on a cruise too. Cozumel seems so far away. I couldn't really be free either. The people who went were not me. They were those type people you talk to a lot, but they would never understand you, nor want to understand you. They have their own lives in which they star, and everyone else just conforms. I can't be like that.
I went to orientation at Alabama after the cruise. I remember being so scared. I'm not really sure why I was afraid... the most I can gather is that I realized I was changing, growing in a new and different direction than my old life. I didn't really take orientation too seriously. I was more concerned with what came next.
Europe. The single best trip of my life. Sometimes, when I get upset, I think about flying over the Atlantic ocean. I stared out the window on that trip for the longest time, my mind completely blank. I loved the thought of everything below me passing by without me touching it. Does that make sense? Europe was exactly what I needed right before leaving home. I didn't really know anyone... and I smile every now and then when I think about the things we did and the places we went. It was freedom to me. About two weeks ago, I found out that one of the people I went to Europe with passed away.
For the past month, I've been trying to understand if, why, and what my problem is, if I have one at all. I find myself attaching myself to people emotionally--- and it's always the people I don't need to. The people who care the least are the ones I care the most about. Is that some jacked-up form of stockholm syndrome? Maybe I trust too much that people can miraculous make up for years of mistreatment or abuse of some kind. What's wrong with that? I think it might also have to do with the fact that I want to understand better why these people who couldn't care about me at all don't find me worthy of their concern. How can they turn away? I think everyone wonders why people don't care about him or her. This is natural. So I tell myself.
Two nights ago, a Chinese man and his girlfriend both told me I had a "gift." They didn't speak English that well, so it was hard for me to figure out what they meant. I think they were talking about me asking them questions, which sounds weird... I'm not really sure what they meant. It made me feel good though to be told I had a "gift" from a foreigner though. I'm such a dork.
"Sittin' at a bar on the inside... waitin' for my ride on the outside."
I like listening to people talk about what they want to do with their lives. I love watching people smile when they tell me what they plan to do to make their first million. If everyone I've ever had that conversation with follows through and is successful, I should know a fair share of millionaires by the time I'm thirty. We'll see. People who have goals they want to accomplish and high aspirations make me feel like maybe things can work out for me too. I like people around me to sound confident about the future when I'm not. It's beautiful.
I hope something wonderful happens soon.
~Emily
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| | Posted 5/13/2006 7:19 PM - 24 Views - 4 eProps - 3 comments
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